The Insensitive Jerk Button

I caught myself before doing something very insensitive this week. My nephew is in town, and I put him to work doing odd jobs around the ranch. Before leaving on a business trip, I gave him instructions on the work that needed to be done. One of the jobs was to create a large haystack from the loose remnants of used bales that covered the barn floor. I thought I was clear on where I wanted the stack, but it was in the wrong place when I returned. When I walked out to the barn after a red-eye flight and saw where the stack was, I recorded an angry video on my phone. I was just about to send it to him when I decided to watch it and was horrified by how I sounded. What a condensing jerk I was – making such a big deal out of a simple mistake. I recorded a new, more respectful video, and the next day he cheerfully moved the stack.   

One of my coaching clients, who has struggled for years with the habit of jumping into conversations before thinking through the impact of his words, told me the “unmute” button on Zoom calls has helped him. Now when he has the urge to interject a comment, that split-second delay required to click the unmute button allows him to consider whether what he is about to say is wise. 

We could all take a lesson from Abraham Lincoln. After his death, they discovered dozens of unsent letters he had written in the passion of a disagreement. His practice was to delay sending them until the following day. By the next morning, he invariably thought better of it. Visualizing the “unmute” button before making that comment or sending that email or text can preserve relationships and keep us from sounding like a jerk.